


Baby, Just Remember

by FlagofHeaven



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Amnesiac Castiel, M/M, Memory Loss, eventual falling in love, sometime after s11
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-07-14 02:48:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7149614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlagofHeaven/pseuds/FlagofHeaven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After using his own body as a banishing sigil (season 5) Castiel wakes up in the car with Dean to discover than seven years have passed. The Winchesters now have a permanent home, and apparently he and Dean are "an item"? </p>
<p>Cas just wants his memories back, Dean just wants his boyfriend back, and Sam is still waiting for those homemade burgers he was promised.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Castiel rubbed his face, slowly coming back to consciousness. He opened his eyes, taking inventory of his surroundings. He could feel the rhythm of the car engine and recognized the interior of the Impala. He was sitting in the passenger seat, leaning against the window. 

“Cas?” 

Castiel looked to his left. Dean was driving and watching him with a very concerned expression. 

“Cas, you ok?”

Castiel tried to sit up straighter, but immediately his body protested, so he stayed put. “Yeah, I think so.” He looked around. It was dark outside, and Dean was speeding down a deserted highway. “I’m a little confused.”

Dean reached over and gently patted his shoulder. That was strange, he rarely saw Dean show physical affection to anyone and certainly not to him.

“An angel healed you Cas, her name was, uh Diana or something. You were hurt pretty bad but she patched you up. Tell you the truth I was surprised, she wasn’t exactly cheering for us going into that battle.”

“Battle?” it was all very fuzzy in his head. He couldn’t quite remember ... Oh! It was coming back to him. “Did you get Adam out? Where’s Sam?”

Dean whipped around to look at him. “Cas, what are you talking about?”

Yes, his memory was coming back. “I owe you an apology Dean. I should have not have said those things to you before we went into the warehouse. You are clearly not the burnt and broken shell of a man I thought you to be.”

Dean hit the brakes and pulled over to the side of the road.

“Cas, what the hell are you talking about?”

Castiel was confused. “The fight, Dean. I --”

Dean held up a hand to stop him. A dark look crossed his face. “What’s the last thing you remember?”

Castiel tilted his head. “We were going to save Adam. It was a foolish plan, but I followed you anyway. And then I carved a sigil on myself and then --”

“You woke up in a hospital?”

Castiel shook his head. “No, Dean. I woke up here. And according to you, apparently an angel healed me.”

Dean rubbed his eyes with his hand. “Cas, um....”

“Dean, what is it? What’s wrong?”

“Going to save Adam, that’s the last thing you remember?”

Castiel nodded. Dean was worried, and perhaps even scared. It worried Castiel. He was used to Dean looking concerned -- it was a primary aspect of his personality -- but this seemed worse than usual.

“Dean. Tell me what’s going on.”

Dean took a breath. “That was seven years ago, Cas.”


	2. Chapter 2

“What. No. No, that can’t be.”

Dean kept staring at him.

“Dean! Enough. That’s ridiculous.”

Dean reached out a hand to Castiel but he recoiled slightly. This whole physical touching thing was new. 

“Cas, tell me you remember something. Fighting the devil? Leviathan? Metatron? God and Amara?”

“Who?”

“Ok, I’m way too sober for this.” Dean turned and turned the car back on. “We’re going home. Sam and I will have to fill you in on everything.”

“On seven years?” 

Dean looked over at Castiel, and the angel thought he might have seen tears in the man’s eyes, but it was too dark to tell. He didn’t understand. He and Dean were friends, they had been through much together, but the hunter’s reaction was more emotional than he had expected. Perhaps in the past seven years he and Dean had become friends? Ever since he had met the Winchesters he had found himself infinitely fascinated with human beings and more interested in emotions and the role they played in human interaction. 

Dean eventually broke the long silence, but kept his eyes on the road -- another uncharacteristic thing for him. 

“You don’t remember last night, do you? Or um, pizza night at that motel or uh, anything?” 

“For me, last night, we were arguing about saving your brother.”

Dean swallowed and pointedly did not look at Cas. “Right,” he muttered.

After a few more hours of driving, with the radio blaring and no further conversation they reached the Bunker. As Dean parked the car in the garage he turned to Cas. 

"When we get inside, Sam and I will explain everything, ok? I just need you to promise me two things."

"Of course."

"There's a lot to cover, so be patient and we can tell you everything. Probably just start with the highlights and Big Bads. And two, you gotta trust me on this one: you can't go up to heaven right now."

"What? Why?"

"Cas, I promise to explain it all, but please just don't go up to heaven right now." Dean locked eyes with him. "Do you trust me?"

"Of course, Dean. I will want an explanation, but I trust you."

"Good, ok, come on. Let me show you around."

"What is this place?" Castiel got out of the car and looked around at the antique garage.

"Belongs to the Men of Letters. Sammy and I, apparently, are legacies. Whatever, it's a whole thing, I'll tell you later."

Sam met them in the library with pizza and beer. They took a seat and started with the last day Cas remembered, taking turns to tell the story and interrupting each other with either very important or completely benign additions. They told Cas everything...well, almost everything. 

Sam listened as Dean described how Leviathan had gotten out of Purgatory. And he noticed the one key detail missing -- Dean omitted Castiel's involvement. As Sam told the story of the Angels falling, he in turn omitted that Cas had been tricked by Metatron and his grave had been used to cause the Fall. They told him about Abbadon, the Mark of Cain, and finally the Darkness and God. Castiel interrupted with questions, but listened patiently. At each turn they omitted Cas's mistakes and screw ups, or at least all the major ones. 

"We can tell him later," Dean said after. Cas had gone wandering around the bunker. "He got the gist of the story, we can fill him in tomorrow. No need to send him into self loathing shock."

"Don't you think it's a little unfair?" Sam asked, following Dean into the kitchen.

"Ah, you forget, I've been around Cas with amnesia right when he remembered he broke the world. He didn't take it too well then, so giving it a few days wont kill him." Dean started in on their dishes. 

"You didn't tell him everything," Sam commented.

"Let it go, Sammy."

"Dean, come on, I know something's been happened with the two of you."

"I said let it go."

"Don't you think he has a right to know? You can't just edit out --"

"What do you want me to do, huh? Sam, everything we just told him -- all of it -- it's gotta be devastating. He can't go back to Heaven, he doesn't know that he considers this place home, how am I supposed to add on top of that? Besides, maybe it's better we both just forget. He obviously didn't care enough -- I mean, something like that, if it means something, you remember. And he's got no clue because it wasn't real to him, or maybe he didn't mean when he said...."

"I don't think that's how amnesia works, Dean. Besides, what if these were your memories? What if Cas was keeping secrets from you?"

Dean finally turned around, glaring at Sam as he dried his hands on a towel. "He has, Sam, and it's just one of the things I don't wanna lay on him right now."

"So don't you think --"

"Let it go."

"Dean, after all those years." Dean tried to interrupt, but Sam kept talking. "It's taken everything, basically moving heaven and earth to get you two together, don't you think that maybe you shouldn't throw it away quite so fast? Couldn't you at least --"

Dean's fist to Sam's face stopped him mid-sentence. Sam looked pissed as all  
hell but didn't return the blow.

"I told you to drop it." Dean was shaking with anger and his own voice sounded strange to him. "Don't you ever, ever say anything to Cas about this." 

Dean stalked out of the room, and found himself face-to-face with Castiel who was lurking out of site in the hallway.

"How much of that did you hear?" Dean demanded. He was still on edge from arguing with Sam. 

But he had forgotten this wasn't his Cas. This was old Cas. And old Cas didn't take shit from anyone. 

Castiel roughly shoved him against the wall, pinning him there with his forearm. Dean was no match for his angelic strength but that didn't stop him from pushing back and trying to escape.

"What aren't you telling me, Dean? I have a right to know. They're my memories."

"Cas, it's better if you don't -"

Cas shoved him again. "Answer me! What did you mean I can't go back to Heaven?"

Dean didn't know what to say. "Cas, look, lots of shit happened that you don't remember. Please, just listen -"

"You asked me to trust you before, and I did. I didn't immediately return to heaven." They struggled, each landing a punch in each other. "But now I realize I should have, maybe they will give me better answers than you are. Maybe the angels will restore my memories."

Castiel turned to leave. 

"Cas, wait. Please!" Dean grabbed his arm, and Castiel turned and punched him again, splitting his lip. 

"I tried trusting you, Dean, but you're clearly hiding things. I need answers."

Dean played his last card, grabbing at Cas and ignoring the blow the his fist landed. "Cas, if you go back to Heaven they will kill you. Or imprison you. Please, I'll tell you the rest of the story, but please just don't go --"

"That's ridiculous, Dean. I've done nothing against Heaven. Well, not to warrant death."

"Ugh, Cas, I wish that were true. Please. Just listen to me."

"Why?"

"They will kill you! Cas, god I didn't want you to find out this way, but Cas you got the angels kicked out of heaven and you tried to be God and murdered hundreds of them. They hate you. If you wanna go up there, I can't stop you. But if you get out...you're always welcome here, okay" his voice softened. "Open invitation. This was...this IS your home and we will always be here for you."

Castiel did not understand, but he could tell that Dean meant it. None of it made any sense. He would never jeopardize heaven like that or murder his own kind! He needed answers, and since the Winchesters wouldn't tell him everything, he'd just have to go to Heaven. Whatever Dean was worried about must not be so bad...


	3. Chapter 3

Dean was lying on his bed, ice pack to his face, when Castiel returned to the Bunker. The angel appeared in the doorway, clothes bloody and torn. 

"Sam!" Dean shouted, getting up and rushing over. He put an arm around Cas and led him to the bed to sit down. "Cas, come on, I got you."

"I am sorry Dean," Castiel said in a small voice. "I should have believed you."

Dean wrapped his arm around the angel, and surprisingly Cas leaned into him. "I'm sorry man, we should have told you everything from the start. I never should have let you go up there."

"Judging by your face, you didn't let me," Cas said. Dean smiled slightly. 

Sam ran into the room, gun in hand. When he took in the scene he lowered the gun and grabbed the first aid kit out of Dean's duffle that was tossed in a corner. 

"Hey Cas," he said gently. "I'm gonna take a look at these cuts, ok?"

Castiel nodded. Sam touched his shoulder for a moment and then got to work. They helped Cas out of his coat and shirt eased him back against the pillows. Dean kept a protective hand on him at all times while Sam cleaned and covered his injuries.

"Angel blade?" Sam asked.

Castiel nodded again. He seemed too scared or surprised or confused to say anything more. 

"Ok, there you go. You still heal pretty fast so you should be ok by morning. Dean, can we talk for a minute?"

Dean followed Sam into the hall. "He shouldn't be that injured," Sam whispered. "Even from an angel blade, he shoulda healed by now. Do you think that angel who screwed up his memory did something else to him?"

Dean shrugged. "Maybe. Or the angels who attacked him just now in heaven? I got no clue man."

"You ok to take care of him?" Sam asked quietly.

"Shut up."

"Dean, I mean it. If it's too hard for you -"

"It's not Sammy. Thanks," he added as an afterthought. "We'll be fine." 

Dean stepped back into the room and sat down next to Cas on the bed. "This ok?" He asked.

"Of course," Cas said. He looked at Dean and his gaze lingered on his face. "I should not have struck you. I'm sorry."

"It's fine, really. I, uh, I'll tell you the rest of the story, Cas, and I'm sorry I left stuff out before. I was trying to protect you but I guess I fucked that up."

"Can you tell me tomorrow?" Castiel asked. "It's been a very difficult day."

"'course." Dean started to get up from the bed, he figured Cas could sleep here and the couch in the living room was fine. "You should get some rest."

Castiel wasn't sure why he asked, or even fully aware he was saying it until the words were out. "Will you stay?" He was certain Dean would say no, would make a comment that it was weird or creepy, would make a sarcastic remark because he was uncomfortable, or would even just ignore Cas.

Instead Dean smiled sadly and turned back to Cas. "Sure, Cas. If you want." He pulled the blanket back and covered both of them with it. He pulled his pillow a little further from Cas and lie down. 

"Get some sleep, Cas," Dean said, rolling on his side away from the angel. "If you need anything I'm right here."

Castiel was surprised how comfortable he seemed, but he would have to speculate more on that in the morning. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep, imitating Dean's posture and movements, rolling on his side facing Dean's back.  
* * *  
Dean woke up partway through the night, and he could feel a familiar arm draped around his waist. His back was pressed against Cas's chest. 

"Cas," he breathed quietly. "You remembered." 

Cas was back! His Cas, the Cas he had known and fought beside for years, the Cas who had kissed him that night on the couch and followed him back to his room, the Cas who had told him just two days ago that --

"Dean?" Cas's rough voice broke through his thoughts. "My apologies," he pulled back his hand and scooted back from Dean, "I must have rolled closer to you when I was sleeping."

Dean's heart sank. Of course Cas didn't remember. That Cas was gone. He fought to keep his voice steady, "It's okay, Cas. Go back to sleep." 

"I feel much better actually." Cas shifted and sat up, giving himself a visual once over. "It seems my wounds have healed nicely."

"That's great, how you feeling?" Dean sat up to face him, switching on the light. 

"I'm fine." He scanned Dean's face and the damage he had done. Reaching out a gentle hand, he laid his palm on Dean's forehead. "Which means I can do this."

Dean closed his eyes and felt the warmth of Cas's healing run through him. It was over too soon. 

"Uh, thanks." 

Castiel was still looking at him, and he could see that spark he'd once denied was there. This Cas, well, it wasn't the same angel he would become, but there was a glimmer there of the things he would one day feel. Had Dean seen it all those years ago and just ignored it? Was Cas from then aware that Dean felt the same way now?

A memory of tangled sheets and heavy breathing surfaced in Dean's mind. _"I've loved you for so long," Cas breathed in his ear, pressing a kiss to his neck._

Dean shook his head to clear it. "Let's get some breakfast, and I can, uh, finish telling you what happened."

"Ok." Castiel almost seemed disappointed in this answer, but he silently followed Dean to the kitchen.

"This is a good place," he commented. "Orderly. Safe."

"And I bet you love the water pressure," Dean joked.

Cas looked at him curiously.

"Sorry, some of these conversations -- well, I've had them before. It's like weird deja vu or something."

"That must be strange."

"Yeah."

Sam was in the kitchen already, laptop open, in full geek-out research mode. 

"There's coffee and bacon," he said without looking up.

"Thank Chuck," Dean joked.

"That's not funny," Castiel said.

"It's uh, yeah, you're right Cas, sorry." Dean said quickly. He handed the angel a cup of coffee. 

"I don't --"

"Well, you do now, take the damn coffee Cas." Dean bit out. 

Cas and Sam both looked up in alarm.

"Dean, maybe give him -"

"Yeah, fine." Dean sat down at the table, not looking at either of them. 

"Tell me what happened." Castiel sat down across from him and Sam. "All of it."

So they told him. Sam did most of the talking this time, and Dean interrupted occasionally. They told him about making a deal with Crowley, about breaking open Purgatory and releasing Leviathan, about Metatron and the angels falling, about saying yes to Lucifer. 

Castiel listened quietly, his face impassive. 

"Cas, we forgave you," Dean said at the end of the story. "You gotta know that, man. You're our brother, you're family. And after all the shit we've been through together, we've got each other's backs."

"Yeah, you're family," Sam added. "You called this place home, you lived here with--, uh, with us, and if you wanna stay, we'd both really like you to."

Sam slipped up and Castiel caught it. He'd wait to ask about it until later. 

"And maybe we can even get your memories back," Sam added. "I'm doing some research, and maybe we can find something in the bunker library. We might be able to restore them." 

"Well, I can't really go back to Heaven, I learned that the hard way," Castiel mused, "but I still want to help people and it seems like I found a place here."

"Does that mean you're staying?" Dean asked.

Cas smiled. "I'm going to become a hunter."

Sam and Dean looked at each other and laughed. Deja vu again.


	4. Chapter 4

Dean had gone on a supply run, Sam and Cas were combing the news looking for a case. 

"Sam, can I ask you something?"

"You just did," Sam joked without looking up. 

"Human jokes are still lost on me," Cas commented. "Did that ever change?"

"Yeah, Cas, give it time. And just ignore Dean and I if we forget that you're still remembering."

"What's going on with Dean and I?" Cas asked suddenly.

Sam looked up and then back at the computer and then back at Cas. "What, uh, what do you mean?"

"Sam. I overheard you the other night, you said Dean and I were together. And he was fine with me sleeping in his bed and didn't seem alarmed when we woke up together --"

"Cas, I uh, don't really wanna know what you two did last night." 

"We slept."

"Yeah, I got that. Cas, look, you gotta talk to Dean about this."

"He doesn't seem willing to talk."

"Well, that's Dean --"

"Sam. Answer the question: were Dean and I together?"

Sam grimaced. His brother was gonna kill him. Finally he nodded. "Yeah, Cas, you were. I think you even loved each other."

"For how long?"

Sam looked up. "You're not surprised?"

"I know how I felt seven years ago," Cas said at last. "And I also know that Dean, my Dean from seven years ago, would never have told me if he felt it too."

"Cas, it took you two years to be together. If you, if you care about him, then maybe tell him, or he's gonna wait another seven years." Sam cleared his throat. "Now, uh, you gotta talk to Dean and please leave me out of this." 

Castiel nodded and they lapsed back into silence. 

* * * 

"So get this," Sam said, turning the laptop to show Dean. "Cas and I found a case nearby. Local high school in a few towns over, looks like a poltergeist is causing havoc. There's been a few suspicious deaths there over the years, but lately activity has picked up."

"Huh."

"What?"

"I dunno man, after Gods freakin sister everything just seems kinda small fry."

"Balance has been restored --"

"Yeah yeah I know. And if Cas wants to be a hunter I guess we start small. Ok, let's head out in the morning. Who's up for dinner?" 

"I'll help you," Castiel volunteered, following Dean into the kitchen.

"You even know how to cook?"

"No."

Dean glanced over at him. Of course Cas didnt know how to cook. This was Cas from the Apocalypse, not domestic-Cas who had shacked up with him. 

"Dean, I know you're mad that I don't remember --"

"I'm not mad, Cas."

Castiel's expression said he didn't believe him. 

"Ok, fine, yeah I am mad. Hell, I'm pissed. I feel like I've lost you and that's stupid because you're right here. But we became what we are because of the experiences we shared, because of the shit we went through, hell even because of the times we lied to each other and let each other down. We were finally --. And some asshole angel with an old grudge steals that all away. I just." Dean became aware that his body was shaking from anger. He wanted to hit something or gank something. 

Remembering how Dean had comforted him in the car, Castiel reached out a hand to rest on Dean's shoulder. For a moment the hunter closed his eyes and breathed, but then he shrugged Cas off.

"Don't do that," he said. "You're not him." He stalked off, food forgotten, and headed towards the garage. 

Castiel glared after him. Apparently in seven years this damn human was still just as temperamental and angry as Cas currently knew him. 

*** 

Dean turned the key and headed out into the night, the comforting walls of the Impala surrounding him. He turned the radio up and rolled the Windows down, a cool breeze blowing through. 

"Hello, Dean." 

Dean jumped, but managed not to swerve the car. "Dammit, Cas." His Cas hadn't done that in a long time. "Get out of here."

For a long moment Castiel didn't say anything and Dean thought he'd flown off. But no, he was just sitting there, deep in thought. 

"We were in love, weren't we?" Cas said suddenly. "I mean, from your point of view in our timeline."

Dean flinched, trying to not react. "Cas, we uh -"

"Answer the question, Dean."

Freaking seven-years-ago Cas and his damn righteous attitude. 

"Yeah, Cas, yeah we are. Were."

"It makes sense," Cas said, "it's the only logical explanation for why you've been reacting so strangely towards me."

"Really, you're gonna sit here and analyze me? You don't even know me anymore."

"I still know you, Dean. You're still the same person."

Holy crap did Dean want to punch him in the face again. 

"No, I'm not. And neither are you. Were you. Whatever. We've changed, man. We've been through so much shit, and we've changed."

"Some things don't change, Dean."

"Yeah, like what?"

"This me, the me I am now, I already care a great deal about you. And the Dean that I know, he treats me as more than a friend. I can't explain it, but we have a bond of some kind -"

"A profound bond?" Dean interrupted.

"If you like," Cas answered. "But it doesn't seem unlikely to me, this future. Based on the us that I know, it just... It seems natural."

Dean turned off the radio and pulled the car over. He turned to face Cas. "What are you saying?"

"Do you know what I was doing three days ago? In my memory's version of three days ago. I felt betrayed, you had gone to give yourself to Michael to save Adam and I was so angry at you."

"I remember. You tossed me into a brick wall."

"I didn't understand why I was so angry, I had never felt that before. I think, I think it's because I cared about you more than I wanted to admit. Not about heaven, or the plan, but you, just you."

"You're saying you threw me into a wall because you liked me? Gee, uh, Cas, that doesn't sound like a healthy relationship."

"It's not," Castiel agreed. "I hope that when we eventually got together it wasn't after a fight." He left it hanging in the air, a question that Dean could answer or ignore. 

"It wasn't. It was actually..."

"Tell me," Cas said gently. "Please."

Dean ran his hands through his hair and stepped out of the car, motioning for Cas to follow. They sat on the trunk, leaning back and looking up at the sky. 

"It was a few weeks ago, maybe a month. We'd been on a case, some werewolf thing in Idaho. Sam had stayed behind to run another lead on a different case, so it was just you and me. We uh, pulled into a motel for the night. And I don't know, it just kinda happened. We were watching tv and eating crappy pizza with cheap beer, you started leaning on me like a pillow and eventually we were holding hands and I was running my fingers through your hair and we just sat there for awhile. And it got late so we decided to call it a night and I don't know, it was like it just all clicked. We took off our clothes to sleep and you followed me to my bed and .... kissed me." Dean glanced over at Cas, who was listening intently. "We didn't need some big conversation or declaration. We both just knew it was time." 

Castiel nodded. He moved his hand over to where Dean's rested on the trunk, and entwined their fingers.

"Uh, we, you know," Dean smiled sheepishly for a moment, "had amazing, euphoric, hardcore sex and fell asleep. When we got back to the bunker you moved into my room and that was it. No big deal. It wasn't earth shattering or music playing. It was like it had always been going to happen and then it just did. No fanfare. Sam gave me crap for about a day that it took us so long to figure it out, but he was happy."

Castiel's thumb traces circles on Dean's hand. "What happened two nights ago? You asked me before if I remembered what had happened?"

Dean looked down, his voice catching. "It doesn't matter, Cas."

"Dean, please." Why was this human the most exasperating?

Dean took a shaky breath. "You told me you loved me. And I made some sarcastic remark, and then you told me you'd loved me for a long time." Dean glanced up at Cas. "And now I'm wondering how long a time?" 

Dean could feel his heart racing, and his palms were soaked in sweat. It didn't help that Castiel was holding his hand gently and firmly. Nor that they were sitting so close they were basically sharing air. 

"I don't love you, Dean," Castiel said quietly. "Not the me that I am now."

Dean nodded slowly, his world crashing around him. He mentally kicked himself, he had known this would happen. It was unrealistic to think that Cas from seven years ago felt the same way. 

"But, it seems I grew to love you. I care about you very much, and I do feel a bond with you. I'm not...I'm not the same Cas you were in love with, but maybe I'll get there."

Dean didn't say anything.

"Dean, remember that I just met you two years ago. You know that I'd break the rules of heaven and hell to keep you safe, so maybe in time, I'll feel the same way I did."

Dean nodded. He pulled his hand away from Cas and wiped his eyes quickly. 

"I'm sorry, Dean."

"Yeah, me too Cas. I shouldn't have, uh, I shoulda just kept it simple."

"I'm glad you told me. Perhaps there will be a point where it all naturally falls together again."

Dean closed his eyes. How long would that be?


	5. Chapter 5

"Hey man, you ok?" Sam asked over breakfast the next day. 

"I'm fine, Sammy."

"You look terrible. Did you sleep?."

Dean glared at him. 

"Ok." Sam put his hands up in defeat. 

Cas joined them in the kitchen and the tension doubled. Sam knew they had gone off together -- or that Cas had followed Dean at least -- and come back together. But Dean had immediately gone off to his room and Cas had not followed. (And Sam didn't get the homemade burgers he'd been promised!) 

Sam cleared his throat, breaking the awkward silence. "Cas, what do you know about poltergeists?"

***

The town wasn't far away. And once they got there it was a simple matter of flashing badges at locals and getting info about the mysterious deaths. By 5 o'clock they had zero leads.

"They've been too many deaths at this school, any of them could be our spook," Dean complained over beers at a local bar. 

"So what do we do now?" Castiel asked, sipping his own beer and trying not to make a face at it. 

"You're the hunter in training, consider this your first test."

"Dean." Sam gave him a warning look. 

"What? He wants to be a hunter there's no hand holding. We had to figure it out as we went -"

"Yeah, and we had a lot of help from others including Cas. So don't act like we got where we are just because we're so awesome."

"The first death was 60 years ago," Castiel mused. "Followed by another a year later. Same high school, both students would have known each other. The first death seemed to be chemistry lab accident, as did the second but it was even stranger."

"Which means?" Dean asked.

"What if the first death wasn't an accident. And a year later the spirit had gained enough strength to kill whomever was responsible?"

"The second death." Sam nodded. "Makes sense. And some of the other weird shit that happens there could be the two spirits fighting each other. Nice, Cas."

"Great, who's ready to burn some bones? Sammy, think you can find out where the first kid is buried?" Dean asked.

Sam did some research and by midnight they were in the cemetery, digging up the grave. Dean insisted Cas help with the physical labor -- "part of hunter training" -- and soon they were tossing a match on the bones. 

"So long," Dean said. "Good riddance."

"Dean, it became a vengeful spirit because of something that happened. It wasn't necessarily its fault," Castiel commented. 

"I guess. Sure caused a lot of pain though."

Sam watched them. It wasn't right. They weren't bickering right. Cas and Dean had always been a little up in each other's space, giving the other one a hard time, calling them out when they disagreed, and sometimes even just plainly insulting each other. But it had always carried an underlying affection for each other, not meanness. They'd always known exactly how far they could tease or bicker and never crossed that line. But Dean seemed to have thrown out those rules. And Sam was worried. 

"How do we know if it worked?" Cas asked. "What if I was wrong and it was someone else's ghost?" 

"We won't know right away, but this made the most sense," Sam answered. "We can go by the high school and check for EMF tonight." 

By the time the bones were burned and the grave covered, and the high school confirmed to be free of EMF, the sky was starting to get lighter. They stopped at a local diner to get breakfast before heading home. 

"You've changed your style," Castiel commented as they dug into pancakes and bacon. "Having a permanent home has made you wanna go home and not jump to the next case."

Sam and Dean exchanged a look. 

"And?" Dean asked incredulously. "Is it so bad for us to want to sleep in the same bed every night? Is it written somewhere in heaven that we have to be vagrant wanderers in order to do our damn jobs?"

Castiel opened his mouth to respond, reconsidered and said nothing. But the annoyance was clear on his face.

Sam looked back and forth between them. "Cas, could you give us a minute?"

Castiel disappeared. 

"Let's hear it," Dean said gruffly. "What did I do this time?"

Sam bitch-faced at him. "You think maybe you could lay off the guy a little? He's trying, Dean, and you're treating him like crap."

"What? No I'm not. Cas and I give each other a hard time. It's our thing. Like your thing is --"

"Not like this. Dean come on, you know it's different. I know this is hard for you --"

"Do you?"

"But you can't just bully him into remembering," Sam ignored his interjections. "He isn't choosing to forget you, Dean, this was done to him. And it's probably killing him not knowing who he is anymore and you're not making it better by being mean."

"I'm not --"

"You want Cas back, your Cas, the one you're with, the one who loves you? Then you gotta give him time to get his bearings and you gotta give him space to fall in love with you again. But the way you're acting now...you're never gonna get him back."

Sam was right and Dean knew it, which was frustrating as all hell. If Cas was ever gonna feel the same way about him, he was gonna have to be the person who Cas fell in love with. And while that did mean the occasional fight, lie, or misguided attempt to help, it did not mean being an all out dick to the guy. 

"I think Cas, this Cas, cares about you. And if you give him time maybe you can have back what you had. But if you keep on this way you're gonna push him too far and he won't come back." 

"Alright, alright," Dean held up a hand to shut up Sam. "Fine. I'll uh, I'll be nicer." He closed his eyes for a moment. "Castiel, would you please bring you fine feathery ass back here now?"

Sam glared, but a moment later Castiel appeared again. 

"Hey Cas," Dean greeted, his tone markedly nicer. "Good work on this case. Since you're the hunter in training, would you like to go home or look for another case from here first?"

Castiel looked between them. "Let's see if there's anything nearby and if not, then head home."

Sam pulled out his laptop so fast.

"Jeez man, what were you hiding it under the table?" Dean asked.

Sam shrugged. "It's called being prepared."

"Ok, Boy Scout."

They spent the rest of breakfast listening to Sam read odd stories in local newspapers from surrounding towns. Pretty soon they were laughing and making bets about whether a UFO siting was real, if a husband had actually been "abducted by a satanic cult" or just run off with his mistress. It was starting to feel like old times and everyone seemed more relaxed. 

Eventually they decided there was nothing worth tracking further and headed back to the bunker. When they got home Dean called first dibs on the shower and then passed out on his bed. He had just woken up when there was a soft knock on the door. 

"Yeah, come in."

Castiel stood in the doorway. "Hi," he said awkwardly.

"Hey, Cas." Dean got up, pulling on a clean tshirt. 

Castiel noticed how at ease Dean was with him in the room even though the hunter was only wearing boxers and a t-shirt. His Dean would have demanded Cas turn around or something.

"Cas?"

"Oh, um, sorry. I'm just trying to understand everything."

"Ok. You alright?" Dean sat on the bed and motioned for Cas to sit next to him. 

"I'm trying, Dean."

"I know. I'm sorry I was such a dick to you before."

"I don't know if I'll ever be the angel you knew," Cas said eventually. "If we can't get my memories back, I just... I didn't go through all those things, or I did but I don't remember. So I don't know if I'll ever be who you loved. And if that means you don't want me here... I'll go."

"No, Cas, don't go." Dean reached out a hesitant hand, but stopped short of touching Cas. "We'll help you get your memories back, but if we can't...you don't have to go. You can if you want, but uh, I'd rather have you here."

"How did I get them back last time? You said I lost my memory once before."

Dean nodded. "Yeah, uh, but that was a little different, you had died and when you came back you didn't remember anything. It's weird this time that you remember some things -- well, I guess you're remembering until one of the times you died." 

Dean remembered when he'd discovered Castiel was alive, only to discover a moment later that his best friend did not remember him at all. He remembered the pain and the twinge of jealously towards the woman Cas was living with ... It was like it had all happened again. He had Cas back, but the angel didn't remember him, or didn't remember enough.

"You killed a bunch of demons," Dean said finally. "And using your powers sorta knocked it all back into place. You remembered."

Castiel nodded. "Perhaps if I use my powers again I might remember."

"Worth a try, Cas. But don't get your hopes up, this time it was done to you. It might not work like that again."

"Alright." Castiel turned to him. "I know this is hard for you, Dean. Thank you, for being patient with me. I want to be the person you knew, I want to be the person you loved. If I could just flip a switch and be back to who I was... I want to be that person, Dean."

Cas reached out a hand and laid it on top of Dean's. Dean's skin felt like it was humming with the warmth. He fought the urge to kiss Cas, or wrap his arms around him. 

"You really want that?" he asked quietly.

"I do. I care about you and I want to get back what we had. I just can't do it overnight.

Dean nodded. He leaned towards Cas, resting his forehead against the angel's. "Ok, Cas," he said quietly. "That works for me."

Castiel was not used to physical affection, but he found himself enjoying it greatly. His body felt warm and pleasant with Dean's body touching his. He was beginning to understand why humans sought this out. It was peaceful and safe. Dean's breathing was slow and calm, whereas Castiel felt his own breathing speeding up. He closed his eyes and let go -- his body seemed to know what it wanted.

He pulled his head back slightly from Dean, his hand moving up to rest on the hunters cheek. He leaned towards Dean, pressing their lips together in a tender kiss. 

Now his whole body felt like it was on fire. Dean kissed him back, their mouths moving together slowly. He reached out and grabbed Dean's shirt with his other hand, pulling him closer. 

Breathless, Dean pulled back gently. "Cas, we shouldn't," he said quietly. 

"Did I do it wrong?" Castiel asked.

"No, Cas, no you did it exactly right. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to keep going. But, we can't rush this."

"Dean, I want -"

"No," he said a little more forcefully. "This isn't one of those fake it til you make it things," he said softer, "I want this, believe me, but I want it to be right. Because you want it, not because you're trying to get back something. Please. Just give yourself time."

Castiel nodded. 

"Cas, everything is at stake here, and this is too important to me to rush. Please trust me on this?"

"Of course."

Dean nodded. His rational mind told him this was the right decision, but the other part of him wanted to tackle Castiel to bed and shower him with kisses. To make things easier, he headed to the kitchen for some coffee. Or beer. Whatever.

***

The next two weeks they spent hours researching and looking for a way to restore Cas's memory. Finally it became clear the only way to do so would be to summon an angel. Dean was particularly displeased with this option, but it had to be done. 

They took a few simple cases, and on the third Sam suggested that Dean and Cas go without him. "I'll run backup here in case you need anything, and," he added quietly to Dean, "maybe what you two need is some time alone." 

Dean whacked on him on the shoulder but was secretly glad. Sam had tried to balance being Castiel's friend and also leaving them space to be together. Castiel had been sticking to Dean more and more, and their arguments were starting to follow a familiar pattern. Sam recognized the way they looked at each other, the shoulder touches and eyes meeting that lasted a little too long. Ever since that day in the diner Dean had been more gentle with Cas, and it seemed to be working. They were growing more comfortable around each other. Part of Sam really hoped that summoning the angel would restore Cas's memory, but even if they didn't he was pretty sure they could find their way back to each other. 

"Behave yourself while we're gone," Dean said on the way to the garage, "not to much research. Go get laid. Sleep in. Eat something unhealthy."

"Yeah yeah thanks for that."

Castiel was checking the weapons in the trunk when they got to the garage. He had relearned quickly how to kill monsters that he had forgotten he'd defeated. Dean would never admit how hot it was that his boyfrie-- that Cas knew so much about hunting. 

Once they were on the road Cas started running through the case again. He had picked up this habit from Sam. Dean half listened, half tried to ignore the fact that his brother was playing matchmaker by staying home. 

The case was a classic milk-run: demons exorcised, townsfolk saved, hot women hitting on them in a bar. As they kicked back in a cheap motel to shower and sleep Castiel kept thinking about what Dean had said about how they'd come together naturally. On the one hand, he understood why Dean didn't want to rush back together, but on the other he had feelings towards the hunter that would eventually turn into love... So what was the harm? Why skirt around it for years? He wanted the relationship that Dean had described. And maybe it was cheating to just skip ahead to that part....but so what! Castiel smiled to himself, this man has really changed the way he thought about rules. 

Dean was asleep, so Castiel slipped out of the motel room and walked across the road to the diner there. He ordered food to go, making sure to get some pie, this was Dean's obsession that he was starting to get a taste for. He crept quietly back into the motel, set the food on the table and crossed the room to sit next to Dean on the bed. 

Castiel reached out slowly and brushed his fingers through Dean's hair. He traced lines down the hunter's face and rested his hand on Dean's shoulder. Castiel was fascinated by this beautiful and infuriating soul. Why was he so drawn to him? He thought back on the past few weeks, about how he been surprised (but also happy) to discover he and Dean had gotten together, about how Dean had kept his distance and not pressured Cas to pick it all up right away. But he still wanted Cas, it was clear in the way he spoke, the way he looked at the angel. This was a game Castiel couldn't lose. If he wanted to be with Dean, he could. 

Secure in that knowledge, Cas leaned down, placing a kiss on Dean's forehead, and then lowering his mouth he placed a gentle kiss on his lips. 

"Cas," Dean murmured. He didn't open his eyes but his hands reached up to pull Cas closer. They kissed for a long moment before Cas finally pulled away. 

"I got dinner," he said. "It's been a long day, you should eat."

Dean nodded, eyes still closed. "Just a moment. Not ready to wake up yet." 

Castiel leaned down to kiss him again. "This isn't a dream," he whispered. 

Dean's eyes flew open. "Cas! I'm sorry," he pulled back, sitting up. "I thought --"

Castiel smiled at him. 

"You said something about food?" Dean rubbed his eyes and got up to follow Cas to the table where the bag produced cheeseburgers, greasy fries and apple pie. "You did this?"

"Of course."

They looked at each other a second too long. Dean stepped forward and Cas met him halfway. Their mouths meeting immediately. Frantically kissing each other, grabbing the others clothes, anything to be closer. 

Cas pulled back first. "The food is getting cold," he commented drily. "But, um, I would be happy to continue that after we eat."

They were halfway through burgers when Castiel said with no pretext. "I think I would like to have sex with you, Dean."

Dean choked on his burger, coughing a little and grabbing his beer to wash it down. 

"I thought about this for a long time while you were sleeping."

And there it was. The difference between his Cas and old Cas. The natural and easy progression that had happened last was never going to happen with this Cas. The question was, was that a problem for Dean? Could he have a relationship with this Cas, knowing that it would never be the same as before? The subsequent realization was startling to Dean, it wasn't just that Castiel needed to fall in love with him. He needed to fall in love with this Castiel.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the reason I had to change the rating ;)

"Cas, uh," Dean felt both uncomfortable and a little turned on. Which certainly wasn't helping the rational part of his brain figure out what he wanted or what he should do. "Cas, we don't have --"

"I know that," Castiel dismissively. "I want to be with you."

Dean was silent.

"I...I wish I could get us back to what we were," Cas continued. "I wish we ... That I could skip ahead to that part. That I could feel the way I did. Or even just remember feeling that way. I'm trying to --" He reached out a hand across the table and rested it gently on Dean's.

"I know, Cas. And I appreciate that. I know this hasn't been easy on you. You've adapted really well. I'm proud of you." 

"You're not sure how you feel about me," Cas observed quietly. 

Dean nodded. "It's just, everything feels different now." 

Castiel nodded, pulling his hand back. "I thought I had all it figured out, looks like I didn't." 

They finished eating in silence and were back on the road within the hour. Castiel remained silent for a long time, seeming to be watching Dean for a clue as to what was happening in the hunter's mind. 

Dean glanced over at him every few minutes, a million thoughts running through his mind. It was Cas. It was still Cas. He cared about Dean and maybe even could love him again someday -- he wanted to love Dean again. He had felt this way for a longer time than Dean had known; just because it had taken Dean years to sort out his own insecurities and his feelings for Cas didn't mean it had taken the angel equally as long. Thank god it wasn't Dean who had lost his memory -- it probably would have taken years to get them back together, he smiled quietly at the thought. But Castiel hadn't lost all his memories like that time when he thought it was human healer named Emmanuel; Cas still knew who he was and even without all the years of stuff he'd missed, he still wanted Dean. Had shown him in every way then awkward nerdy little guy knew how to. And now he was waiting for Dean to come around to it, again. So maybe they weren't currently in love, so what? That certainly wasn't a prerequisite for them to pursue the relationship. It could happen again. It was still Cas, and it was still Dean. 

It all clicked finally. Again. It was time. 

Castiel's left hand was resting casually on the seat next to him. Dean reached over and grasped it in his own. Neither spoke, but they smiled at each other. 

The tension from dinner's conversation was gone, but by the time they got home Dean was aching to push Cas against the nearest wall and kiss him. 

Cas must have been thinking the same thing -- the moment the car turned off he closed the space between them and pulled Dean's face to him. Their lips met and Cas sighed deeply into the kiss, causing a shiver to run down Dean's whole body. He pushed at Cas's coat, determined to be closer. Castiel responded, shrugging it off and pulling at Dean's shirt and jacket. 

Cas's whole body felt alive -- he wasn't even aware a vessel could be this human when carrying an angel. His skin prickled at the touch of Dean in the most seductively beautiful way and he felt the need to be completely enveloped by the hunter. He leaned in further, placing kisses on Dean's neck and shoulders, eliciting a small moan. 

Dean pulled back, breathless. He didn't say anything, but climbed out of the car and reached out his hand. Cas took it and Dean led him through the bunker to his room. 

The moment the door was closed Castiel pulled back on Dean's hand and spun him to lean against the wall. Dean smiled, wondering momentarily if Cas had somehow heard his thought about wanting to do this. 

Kissing Cas again was everything he needed. It was urgent and passionate, but intermittently curious and gentle. For having lost his memory of their time together, Cas was still an expert at kissing.

Dean's hands wandered to Cas's shirt, unbuttoning it. His mouth followed his hands, placing a kiss on each inch of skin his exposed. Cas breathed heavily and shrugged off the shirt too. Dean ran his hands and mouth over Cas's chest, pushing him backwards gently, towards the bed. Cas pushed off Dean's jacket and shirt, and fell back onto the bed. 

Dean was top of him immediately, exploring his body with his mouth. As his hand went for Cas's belt, Cas pushed back ever so gently. 

"I'm not him," Cas whispered breathlessly. 

Dean looked up at him, and held his gaze. "Yes you are."

Castiel grabbed him firmly, rolling Dean over onto his back next to him and climbing on top of him. His hands ran down Dean's body, pausing to stroke gently on the hunter's pants. Dean arched his body up to meet him, and he could feel that Cas was just as aroused as him. As Dean undid Cas's belt and tugged down his pants, Cas paused, his breathing heavy. He looked away. 

Dean froze. "Hey, hey, what's wrong?" Castiel didn't look at him. Dean reached up a hand and tilted his chin up. "Cas?"

"I, um, I don't know what I'm doing." The angel said after a moment.

"It's ok, we don't have to --"

"No, I mean, I don't know how to..."

"Oh... Oh." Dean sat up a bit and kissed him gently. "Hey, it's ok. I can talk you through it."

Castiel tilted his head slightly. "I understand how the mechanics of intercourse work, Dean."

Dean pulled back slightly. "Well, rule one is you don't call it 'intercourse' ever again."

"Ok."

"If you uh, understand the mechanics, then the rest is just ... Just go with it. Do what feels good. If there's something you want me to do, tell me. We can take it slow, and --"

He didn't finish that thought because Cas shoved his hand down Dean's jeans. Dean gasped slightly, grinding into it. Cas took this as encouragement and used his other hand to pull his jeans off completely. 

"You seem to know what you're doing," Dean moaned out. 

Cas smiled. He leaned down and kissed Dean, hard, roughly. His hand teasingly traced along the edge of Dean's boxers. Dean retaliated by grasping Cas in his hand and stroking hard. The angel writhed and moaned in delight. They tossed their boxers away to the pile of clothes.

Dean pushed Cas slightly to lie next to him, and shifted himself down slightly. He peppered Cas's body with kisses, his hand slowly pumping Cas's dick. Cas's breathing was heavy. Dean shifted down further, taking Cas into his mouth. Cas gasped, moaning Dean's name. His hands grasped the sheets next to him as Dean's tongue ran along his dick. 

"Dean, oh, please don't stop."

Dean sucked harder, hollowing his cheeks and using his hand to stroke Cas's balls. One of Cas's hand grasped his hair. 

"Deannnn, I..." Cas moaned and gasped as he came, his whole body shaking in pleasure. 

Dean wiped his mouth on the sheet and climbed back on Cas, kissing him hard. 

_Baby, please just remember me. Remember us,_ Dean thought desperately. 

Cas pulled back from him slightly. "I can hear your prayers, Dean," he said quietly. 

Dean felt himself go red. "Cas, I, I'm sorry, I didn't mean --"

"I thought --"

"I love you," Dean interrupted. "I love you, Cas, and nothing will change that."

Cas looked in his eyes for a long moment. Dean held his breath, this was literally the worst time to restart this fight. Cas reached a hand up to Dean's face, cupping his cheek. He pulled Dean's mouth to his in a tender kiss. His other hand traced circles along the hunter's skin, starting at his shoulders and working his way down. 

Dean closed his eyes and let Cas's hand roam over his body. This was different than a few minutes ago -- Cas's touch was gentle, without the primal urgency they had both felt before. Cas shifted them so he was on top of Dean, his mouth leaving tender kisses on the hunter's body. One of his hands wrapped around Dean's dick, causing further sighs of pleasure. Dean felt completely at peace and also somehow that his blood was boiling. 

"Did we ever ...?" Cas let the question hang in the air. 

Dean nodded, groaning a yes. Cas smiled slightly. Ever since that moment in the car he wanted to be fully enveloped in Dean, and this was his chance. 

Dean forced himself to focus long enough to roll over until he could reach the bottle of lube in the nightstand. Cas put some on his fingers and ever so gently began opening him up. 

"Oh, Cas, yes. Fuck, please, more." 

Cas added a second finger and then a third, loving the feeling of Dean moving under him. The hunter was practically writhing. 

"Cas, please, fuck me."

Dean shuddered as Cas pushed himself in. Cas did in fact understand the mechanics of sex, but had never known it felt this good. His whole body was electrified by the feel being inside Dean. He thrust his hips back and forth, trying to figure out how to best -- 

A moan from Dean told him he got it right. He continued, pushing deeper into Dean. The hunter came undone beneath him, groaning, hands reaching out for any part of Cas he could touch. He gasped put the angel's name, pushing himself further onto Cas.

Cas reached down to grasp Dean's dick, thrusting into him again. Dean groaned even louder, his whole body shaking. He could feel that it was almost the end for him. Cas's thrusts were getting faster, and his body shook as he came inside Dean. Dean pushed down again, riding Cas through the aftershocks. Cas's hand quickened and Dean came hard. 

Their breathing ragged, they slowly separated their bodies. Dean grabbed a towel to quickly clean them both up, and then laid down next to Cas. Cas rolled to his side, laying his head on Dean's chest and wrapping his body closely around the hunter. Neither of them spoke for a long moment. 

"I feel strange," Cas said quietly. "My body doesn't feel like it can move."

Dean chuckled. "It's called a sex coma, you'll be fine." Dean laid a hand gently on Cas's head, playing with his hair. 

"Ok." Cas snuggled in closer, enjoying the warmth of the hunter, and closing his eyes.

"I love you," Dean whispered into the silence.


	7. Chapter 7

A few days had gone by and Dean was starting to get used to the new normal. Cas had moved back into their room. Sam had left for a few days to help Jody and Claire with a case up north, giving Dean and Cas space to continue exploring their newfound relationship. 

Cas seemed completely comfortable with the physical aspects, but Dean checked in with him often to make sure they weren't taking things too fast. They were both starting to accept the fact that Cas may never regain his memories. 

Dean and Cas were finishing dinner when Sam got back. 

"Hey, I have a surprise visitor," he said, nodding his head back towards the young blonde woman behind him. 

Claire Novak looked even more like a badass hunter than the last time Dean and had seen her. Her face bore a few small scars, and her the look in her eyes said she had faced down and beaten certain death at least a dozen times. She was wearing a tight black tank and dark leather jacket, on her belt hung a serious knife. 

"Hey Dean," she greeted. "Hi Castiel." 

Dean got up and pulled the kid into a hug. "Looks like you haven't been staying out of trouble," he commented.

"I haven't died yet, so I'm doing better than you two losers," Claire replied, smirking. She turned towards Castiel. "Sam told me what happened, and I'm here to help with research and stuff. I don't know if you remember --"

"Of course I remember you," Cas interrupted, "you were my vessel, even if only for a short time."

Claire glanced at Dean, who shrugged as if to say It's Old-Cas.

"Uh, right," Claire said. "Well, you're a lot less of a dick than you were then, so don't regress on me or anything."

Castiel looked from Claire to Dean and back, trying to figure out exactly what was expected of him. "I, uh, I'm sorry I didn't mean -"

"It's fine," Claire interrupted. 

Dean broke the awkward silence. "So you here just for a vacation or --?" He let the question hang in the air. 

"I have some ideas to fix Castiel's memory," Claire answered. "Sam filled me in and we've been working on a spell that could fix him."

"Awesome." 

"How?" Castiel asked. "This is a powerful curse done by an angel. You're a teenage girl. How do you expect --"

"Hey, hey, whoa," Dean interrupted, laying a hand on Castiel's shoulder. 

"Cas, I know you're new to some of this, but Claire is a really impressive hunter," Sam explained in his signature level-headed way. "She's saved herself and others countless times, so don't let her age fool you." 

"Also I have that dumbass book Dean gave me," Claire added, "so you don't need to be a dick."

Castiel looked helpless. 

Sam cleared his throat. "Uh, Claire, why don't we eat some pizza and tell them about your theory."

Claire shrugged. "Sure." She dropped her duffel bag on the table, taking out a notebook and the large black book Dean had given her. With one hand she grabbed a slice of pizza, and with the other she started paging through her notes.

"Here," she said through a mouthful of pizza, indicating a page of notes covered in Enochian runes. "This spell could restore your memory. But there's a catch." 

"What catch?" Castiel asked, perusing the notes. 

Claire turned to Sam. "Dean says you're better at the whole bad news thing, so can you tell him." 

Sam smiled slightly. "Sure. Cas, the catch is that based on our research we think this spell will reverse the curse done. Completely."

"Isn't that a good thing?" Dean interrupted. 

Claire and Sam exchanged a look. 

"Completely undone," Sam repeated. "Your memory will be restored to the moment the curse took effect. You won't remember anything that's happened since then, you'll forget everything from the past few weeks."

Castiel looked from Sam to Dean back to notebook, and then at Dean. For his part, Dean was trying to keep a poker face and look calm about the whole thing. 

"I'm sorry it isn't better news," Sam continued. "We can keep looking --" 

"We've been looking," Castiel interrupted. "For weeks. And we haven't turned up anything, we finally have an answer --"

"It's not an answer Cas," Dean finally chimed in. "It's a shit answer. We can --" 

"What? We can what, Dean?" Cas bit back. "Wait around for some other answer to drop into our laps? You want me to continue hanging around here playing house with you and pretending that a major part of my life is not missing?"

"Major part? You're like nine hundred billion years old, what percentage is seven years anyway?"

"It's a major part because it's time we spent together!" 

Dean was silent at these words. 

Claire glanced at Sam, who shook his head a fraction. These two idiots needed to work their shit out without interference. 

"Do you want me to remember?" Cas asked quietly. 

"What kind of question is that?" Dean bit out. "Of course I do."

Cas studied him. "You're not happy about this, why?"

"I'm happy, Cas, I'm great."

"Dean."

Dean didn't look at him. 

"Dean. Talk to me." Cas rested a tentative hand on Dean's shoulder.

"I just... You're adapting so well, and I dunno I guess I had kinda accepted it."

"It's my memory, Dean, I want it back."

"I know, ok? There's just a lot of pain there Cas, I don't know if you should take that all on. We've -- You've been through a lot in those seven years and I just don't want those memories to cause you pain."

"Is there something else you haven't told me?" Cas's voice was soft, unsure.

"No!" Dean turned away. He ran his hand through his hair and tried to sort out his thoughts. 

"Dean -"

"Ok, what do we need for the spell?"

Claire flipped through the pages. "Uh, it's all right here. Sam marked stuff we don't have here at the bunker. Castiel, can you get this stuff? 

"Yeah, of course," Cas answered. "Dean, are you --" 

"I said fine. Go get the stuff for the spell."

Castiel threw his hands up in frustration. He looked at the list again and disappeared. 

"Dean --" Sam said. 

Dean ignored him and fled the room, heading for the comfort of Baby and the garage. Without really thinking, he climbed into the Impala and headed out to the road. He had no direction in mind, driving the car mostly on autopilot. 

**** 

Cas found him at a local Lebanon bar. Dean was slouched at the bar, well into his fourth round, or was it fifth? A woman -- no, a smokin' hot tall blonde gorgeous babe -- leaned against the bar next to him, her posture purposefully displaying her curvy hips and cleavage.

"Hey baby," she said quietly. "What's a good looking guy like you --"

Dean smiled to himself, holding up a hand to cut her off. There was a time he would have loved this attention and followed her back to her place in two seconds flat. "Hey, I'm flattered, really. But I'm waiting for someone." 

"Must be a lucky girl," she replied.

"Yeah, HE is," Dean said, grinning at her look of confusion and downing the shot of whiskey. He could practically feel Cas appear outside and stride across the bar to him. The woman headed across the bar to another group. 

Dean motioned to the bartender to refill the whiskey, and turned to look at the angel who sat next to him. 

"Well, you got everything for your fancy spell?" 

Castiel tilted his head. "I'm confused, Dean. What are you so angry about?" 

"I, uh, nothing Cas. I'm not angry." 

Castiel gave him a visual once over. "Your heart is racing, your blood pressure is elevated, and you're hiding in a bar and drinking cheap whiskey. Are you really telling me that you're ok and not upset?"

"Gee, thanks for the diagnosis." 

"Dean, I'm trying to understand. Please help me."

Dean looked down for a long moment, pulled a wad of cash out of jacket and tossed it down on the bar, and nodded his head toward the door. Castiel followed him. Outside, they climbed into Baby but left her parked. 

Castiel sensed he was on the verge of getting an actual coherent answer, and to do so he needed to be calm and careful with the hunter. He probably knew how to do this -- not him, but the other him who remembered seven years of a relationship with Dean. This thought made him more confused and frustrated why Dean didn't seem to want his memory restored.

"Dean?" Castiel said quietly. "Please talk to me."

Dean looked at the steering wheel, tracing patterns on it with his finger. He was silent for a long moment before finally saying softly, "I don't wanna lose you again."

"You're not losing me, Dean. You'd be getting me back. Getting back the person you actually fell in love with --"

"I'm in love with you --"

"The one who loves you back."

That shut Dean up. A silent tear rolled down his face but he ignored it. 

Castiel reached out a hand and gently laid it on Dean's. "I care about you Dean, and I enjoy the time we've spent together. But this isn't me, and this isn't the me that fits with you. I can handle whatever pain comes with the memories I lost, and you can have your life back. Please, let me remember pizza night at the motel, let me remember the apocalypse, uh, apocalypses. Let me remember all of it. I just want to be that Cas again."

Tears freely falling from Dean's face, he nodded slowly. "I just want you to be happy, Cas. And if getting your memories back will do that..."

Castiel leaned closer, resting his forehead against Dean's. "It will. I want this." He placed a gentle kiss on Dean's lips. "Please, Dean. Help me do this." 

Dean ran his hand across his face. "Ok, let's go home then." 

He didn't look at Cas for the drive back. Claire and Sam were geeking out in the library over some books when they got back, both too smart to ask what had happened. 

"We've got everything," Sam said quietly to Cas. "Whenever you're ready." He glanced at Dean. "If you're still, if you still want to --"

"Yeah, let's get this party rolling," Dean said. 

Castiel looked at the ingredients on the table. "Thank you. Would you, um, would you give us a moment?"

"Sure thing." Sam cocked his head at Claire to head for the kitchen. 

"What? Why?" Claire asked, following Sam out. "Ugh, they're gonna make out, right? It better be something good like that."

"Dean." Castiel placed a hand on Dean's shoulder, exactly where his handprint was still seared into his skin. "I'm not leaving you, Dean." 

Dean met his gaze. "I know, Cas. I get it, I do. I'll miss this you. But I get it."

"I'll be here with you." Castiel pulled him into a hug, wrapping his arms tightly around Dean. "Promise you'll tell me. Promise you'll tell me how we fell in love again. Tell me everything."

Dean nodded. "I promise," he whispered into Cas's shoulder. 

They held each other for a long moment, breathing together. Eventually Dean pulled away. 

"Ok, let's do this."

Castiel nodded. He leaned into Dean, kissing him deeply. "Goodbye, Dean." 

Sam must have been eavesdropping because he and Claire walked back in at that moment. 

"Ready?" Claire asked. 

Castiel nodded, stepping away from Dean. 

"Yeah," Dean muttered.

"Nervous?" Claire asked, mixing the ingredients in the bowl. 

"A little," Cas admitted.

Claire smiled at him. "It's ok, we got this."

Cas tried to smile back, and Claire laughed. She paused on her mixing and stepped over to him, giving him a hug. "You're gonna be fine, I promise." 

Dean hovered behind them as Cas chanted the spell. The bowl glowed a bright purple light, smoke spilled out like dry ice and encircled the angel. His body shook and he stumbled, grasping the table for support. The smoke cleared and Castiel collapsed to the ground.

Dean darted forward, catching Cas as best he could and lowering him gently to the floor. 

"Cas?"


	8. Chapter 8

Castiel's eyes opened slightly, his breathing shallow.

"Cas? Cas!"

"Dean? What happened?" Cas sat up slightly, using Dean's arm as support. 

"Did the spell work?" Claire asked, crouching down next to them. 

"Spell?" Castiel looked at her, confused. "Claire, what are you doing here?"

"Looks like it," Dean said. "What's the last thing you remember, Cas?"

"Uh, the warehouse, we were, um," Castiel's words were coming slowly, he ran his hands through his hair trying to remember. "We were hunting, I was injured I think. Something stabbed me with an angel blade --"

"Anything after that?" Sam chimed in. 

"Waking up here." Cas tried to sit up further, but the aching pains in his body discouraged it. "Why are you asking me this?"

"Just worried about you," Dean said. "We can explain the rest later, I promise."

"You should get some rest," Claire said. "That spell packed a punch that probably will make you weak for a day or two."

"Spell?"

"Later, Cas. She's right, let's get you somewhere horizontal." He helped Cas stand up, the angel leaning on him for support. "Come on." 

Sam and Claire watched them go. 

"Will he be ok?" Claire asked. 

Sam looked at her. "He's really grown on you, hasn't he?" 

Claire looked away. "Uh, no, maybe. Shut up. 

Sam shook his head and smiled. "I'm guessing they're gonna be out of commission for awhile. You're welcome to stick around here if you want a break from Sioux Falls. There's always cases nearby."

"Are you actually inviting me to stay? Did I pass your men of letters test or whatever?"

"You're a good hunter, Claire. And yeah, it'd be great to have you around for awhile. If Jody is ok with that."

"Yes she's fine." Claire saw the look Sam gave her. "Ok, I'll text her. And then I want a tour of monster hunter central, Dean says there's a shooting range in the basement?"

****

Castiel leaned on Dean all the way back to their room. He felt very dizzy and the world kept spinning beneath his unsteady feet, but Dean's strong hands held him up as he murmured supportive words into Cas's ears. 

"Almost there," Dean said as he pushed open the door. 

Castiel shook his head, trying to focus his vision. It was their room alright, but something was different about it. It seemed off somehow. Dean guided him into a sitting position on the bed, made to push off Cas's coat and then seemed to think better of it. In fact, something was off about Dean too -- just like the room, Cas couldn't quite place what was wrong. Dean's movements were stilted, and he felt unsure. 

"Cas, you uh, you want some help to take off your coat?" 

Ok, Dean asking to take off his clothes instead of just doing it, that was weird. Forget even a sexual context, anytime Cas had been injured Dean just went ahead and did whatever he needed to to fix him, he definitely never asked questions. 

"Ok," Cas nodded. He wished the room would stop spinning. He felt Dean's hands take off his trenchcoat and jacket, but hesitate when he started unbuttoning Cas's shirt. "Uh, you want a T-shirt to sleep in?" 

Cas nodded. 

"Great, uh, here." Dean helped him change into one of his own faded t-shirts. Cas kicked off his shoes and pants, and tried to climb the rest of way into the bed. 

Dean hovered next to the bed, seemingly unsure what to do. Cas was so confused and his head hurt and he didn't understand why Claire was here or what spell they were talking about or why Dean was acting so weird --

"What's wrong?" Cas said, sharper than intended. 

Dean looked surprised. "What? What do you mean?"

Cas tried to sit up and sound commanding, but he failed on both counts. "Dean, you're acting weird and the room seems off and when did Claire get here and --"

"Ok, ok, shhh." Dean sat down on the bed next to Castiel, taking his hand gently. "Cas, I promise to explain everything, but right now you need to rest."

"Dean --" 

"Please. Cas, please just rest. Everything is ok, and I will tell you everything. The short version is we had to do a spell and it damaged your short term memory, ok? But you're safe, we're all safe, and you need to sleep." He squeezed Cas's hand. "Do you trust me?"

Castiel nodded. "Of course I trust you." He leaned back against the pillows. Dean made to get up, but Cas's hand caught his arm. "Will you stay?"

Dean smiled sadly. "Of course, Cas." He lay down next to the angel, and Cas shifted so he could lay his head on Dean's chest. Dean's mind flashed back to the first night amnesia-Cas had been here, without his memory, injured by his brothers -- even that Cas had wanted him to stay. There was something bonding them together that transcended memory. 

Dean relaxed against the pillows, wrapping his arms around Cas, tracing his fingers gently along Cas's arms and running them through his hair. Cas was back, his Cas, the one who remembered everything. So why did he feel like he'd lost something?

****

Castiel squeezed his eyes open and shut a few times. His head was resting on Dean's chest, the hunter's arm wrapped protectively around him. Cas could feel that Dean was sleeping lightly, a habit he had developed from years of hunting and running. 

Castiel's memory felt a little fuzzy, but he did remember being injured and then waking up in the bunker. Claire was here? She'd said something about a spell? And then Dean had told him to rest. But there was something else, something he couldn't quite remember ... like a blank space in his head he couldn't fill.

He sat up, his movements rousing Dean. 

"Cas? Cas, are you ok? How are feeling?"

"I'm alright, a little, uh, shaky. But mostly ok."

Cas shifted so he could look at Dean. "Are you alright, Dean? You seem a little ... off."

Dean traced his hands along Cas's back, pulling his close and resting his head on his shoulder. "Yeah, Cas, I'm ok. It's been a weird few weeks, and I, uh, just need time to adjust."

Cas reacted to that. "Weeks?" 

"Yeah, I need to tell you what's been going on. And there's a lot, so just listen for a minute, ok?" Dean wrapped his arms around Cas's waist.

"Of course." 

"You were hurt bad in that fight, real bad. An angel showed up, offered to heal you. We weren't sure, but I thought we were gonna lose you ... The angel did something though, something to your head. You woke up in the car with me and you, uh, you thought it was seven years ago -- you thought we'd just gone to save Adam, remember in Van Nuys? And you'd forgotten everything else since then. The apocalypse, Leviathan, Purgatory, God, Amara, all of it."

"If my memory was that regressed, did I forget about us?" Cas asked quietly.

Dean nodded. "Yeah," he whispered.

"Oh, Dean, I'm so sorry." Cas leaned back into him, turning his head to rest it against Dean's forehead. 

"It was...yeah. I, uh, did something stupid and didn't tell you right away that we were together. I didn't know how seven years ago you would respond. I was afraid ..."

"You were afraid I wouldn't want you and I'd leave?"

"What? Yeah, maybe. How did you -"

"Because I've felt that feeling come off of you for years, Dean." 

"Right. Ok. Well, I didn't tell you, and I didn't tell you some of the shittier things that happened or mistakes you made, I'm sorry Cas, I was trying to spare you some of that pain, but uh, I screwed it up. You found out, and were pretty pissed. But we got past it, even went on some hunts together."

Dean fell silent, collecting his thoughts and trying to figure out what else to tell Castiel. 

"Did we fall in love again?" Cas asked after a moment. 

"Sort of. We tried...we uh, kinda started over. But you -- uh, you ..." Dean paused, but Cas didn't ask anything, he merely waited patiently in silence. "You didn't love me. I mean, that's what you said. You cared about me, but it wasn't...it was the same." Dean took a shaky breath and then continued. "Claire showed up last night, she had a spell that could restore your memories but the trade off was losing your memory of the past few weeks, ever since the curse. You took the opportunity, no questions asked, and that's, well that's why you woke up on the floor covered in purple smoke." 

They were quiet for a long few moments, Castiel processing all this information and Dean trying to think if there was anything else he should say. 

Finally Cas turned further in Dean's arms, cupping his hand on the hunter's face and gently kissing him. "Thank you, thank you for bringing me back." He wrapped his arms around Dean, his hands exploring underneath his shirt. Dean kissed him back until they were both breathless. 

"You're worried?" Castiel asked, meeting his gaze. 

Dean looked away. "I just, uh, I didn't know how you'd feel about me once you got your memories back. I thought maybe what happened a few weeks ago -- well for you I guess it was like two days ago -- maybe that wasn't real or whatever."

Castiel kissed him again. "You're an idiot," he said simply, pulling Dean's shirt off completely and planting kisses on his neck and chest. 

Dean smiled. "Yeah, I suppose I am."

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, I know the memory loss thing is kinda cliche now, but I'm hopping on that wagon. This is set sometime after season 11, without the s11 cliffhangers.


End file.
